Friday, May 6, 2011

Time has come

I am sitting here with a knot in my stomach.
This is a communication that is long overdue. Since it is my birthday weekend...I am jumping in full on. Nothing to fix or change. Nothing to lose, because it has already been lost, long ago.
I am an adult. Although we are always our parents' children....I write as a clear minded adult.

Everything is in Divine Perfection. No doubt of that.

A new moon is upon us. As the last moon waxed and waned I birthed a new version of my life. During that moon I was sheltered, comforted, loved, prayed for, fed, honored and carried through by so very many loving souls. We don't always know how to react or how to be in a situation such as this. I experienced people pushing themselves into the tenderness of their sorrow and pain and finding ways to comfort and support us, along with themselves. I have experienced people stepping up and getting themselves here to be with us. Many miles have been traveled.

In all of this tenderness there has been a deep and clear absence. My father has had a difficult time articulating his pain and his support. It is endemic of a lifetime of not knowing how to show up for me. I realized a long time ago that I was better off creating a fantasy of who my father could be for me. The reality was just too painful. This fantasy has carried me along for decades.
So I sit with this dilemma in my life. One option is to turn my back and walk away. If I did that it would be counter intuitive to who I am. It would be exactly the way I see that he has handled all of the difficult situations in his life. Turning away. Maybe I already turned away years ago. I have been checking in. Wondering if there was interest beyond cursory conversations.
I have never told him how angry I am. Until yesterday. I finally had a genuine conversation where I allowed my anger to bubble to the surface. I was scared because I could have been on the other end of a shut door...yet again....42 years after the first door was shut.
Don't worry about being embarrassed Dad or what other people will think. What anyone thinks of you is none of your business. It's your business what you think of yourself.
The people who read my blog have never met you. You have made it very clear that you do not have room for me in your life and you have not very much interest in mine. Try as I have to keep you informed. Your world is limited and small. Mine is large and full of potential. Common ground has been rocky for some time.

I thank you. You showed me how I could be the very best possible parent for my three beloved children. You showed me how I could be loving and kind. How to be there fully and completely. How to pour myself into a life so full of love and tenderness and compassion that I am drenched in love. It's an exquisite beautiful place to live.
I am so grateful.

Love is all there is. It is all I have for you.


  1. Such grace. An inspiration to us all.

  2. You are absolutely amazing. I want to be like you when I grow up.